Ask the Mentee Good Questions, Part 1
#34 in the Gospel-Centered Mentoring Training Series
As you listen to mentees during this phase, you will unearth many issues that seem important to their development. But how do you follow up on these issues and encourage them to explore what will lead toward developing goals and action steps for growth? You do this by asking good questions.
Ask Open Questions
Crafting open questions is one of the most important skills needed for this phase. Closed questions can be answered with either a single word or a very short phrase; they are often “yes” or “no” questions. Closed questions:
Are easy to answer.
Are quick to answer.
Give you facts.
Keep the mentor in control of the conversation.
Here are some closed question examples:
“Are you happy?”
“Do you want to go to the meeting?”
“Do you think that is a good idea?”
Open questions begin with words like what, how, describe, share. Open questions open up possibilities! Open questions:
Invite mentees to think and reflect.
Often reveal the opinions and feelings of mentees.
Empower mentees to answer how they want.
Hand control of the conversation to mentees.
Open question examples:
What gives you joy?
What makes this important to you?
How do you stay focused on work?
Describe your feelings about this project.
Share your dream for your parenting.
Open questions open up countless possibilities. Consider the following question: “Which career fits you best: pastoring or teaching?” This question limits mentees’ answers to a couple of options that you have given them, possibly shaped by a solution you are generating in your mind. But why limit mentees by your ideas? A bigger question would be: What kind of job do you want? This may open up many possibilities for mentees, possibilities they can generate themselves.[1]
A pastor was once experiencing a very difficult time in his ministry. His mentor asked him an open question that few people, if any, had ever asked him: “What do you want to do?” In other words, “what kind of career do you want?” The pastor answered honestly, “I would really like to be a carpenter!” It turned out that this brother was terribly unhappy being a pastor; he had always wanted to be a carpenter, but he felt somewhat compelled into the public ministry by others’ expectations. With the mentor’s guidance, he went on to become a very happy carpenter. Open questions open up countless possibilities.
Ask Probing Questions
Even when you ask open questions, “The first answer someone gives you is almost never the only answer, and it’s rarely the best answer.”[2] After initial open questions, mentees often need probing questions to help them discover, express, and/or understand deeper issues behind their answers. Probing questions in this phase will help them in the next phase craft a specific and realistic plan for their ongoing development. Here are some examples:
The A.W.E. question: “And What Else?”[3]
“Tell me a little more about that.” A variation on the A.W.E. question.
“You mentioned that ___________. Say more about that.” Yet another variation on the A.W.E. question.
“Give me some background—what led up to this situation?”
“When you think about [issue, relationship, event], what are your feelings?”
“What is most important for us to focus on?” Use this question when the mentees has raise several different issues.
“What did you mean when you said__________?”
“What was most significant to you in this experience?”
You probably noticed that no “why” questions have been recommended so far, e.g., “Why did you do that?” While a “why” question might seem neutral in your mind, it may be perceived negatively by mentees. They may infer that you disapprove of their ideas or answers. While the possibility for this misunderstanding largely depends on mentees’ personality, culture, and current state of mind, it is generally better to phrase “why” questions without the “why.” For example, “Explain the steps that led you to this conclusion,” versus, “Why did you make that conclusion?”
[1] Some mentors use “the miracle question” to encourage mentees who are having trouble considering the possibilities: “Imagine that tonight, while you’re sleeping, God does something miraculous for you. When you get up in the morning tomorrow, how will you know that things have improved in your life?”
[2] Stanier, Michael Bungay. The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever (p. 58). Box of Crayons Press. Kindle Edition.
[3] Michael Bungay Stanier calls this, “the best coaching question in the world.”