Ask the Mentee Good Questions, Part 2
#35 in the Gospel-Centered Mentoring Training Series
Ask Reframing Questions
If mentees feel stuck at any time during the discussion, help them get unstuck by looking at the issue from various angles through reframing questions. Think of reframing questions like this: why does the Bible have four gospels that essentially tell the same story? Like gazing at a beautiful diamond from different angles, each gospel displays Jesus from a different angle to explore different facets of His ministry and personality; it helps us appreciate Him even more and gives us new ways to look at Him and apply His grace to our lives. Reframing questions help mentees reframe their issues by considering them from different angles. [1] Examples of reframing questions:
Emotional: Describe your emotions about this situation.
Options: What are viable options?
Relational: What would your coworker, friend, your brother/sister, your father/mother, or grandfather/grandmother do in this situation?
Spiritual: From a spiritual perspective what do you see?
Talents: Which of your natural abilities might help?
Photo by Mimi Thian on Unsplash
Avoid Solution Questions
When a few questions have been asked, and there is a small lull in the conversation, many mentors are tempted to switch into “advice mode”. Giving advice is not a sin, especially if a mentee feels particularly stuck, and the advice is not offered from a feeling of superiority or judgment. The gospel-centered mentor believes that the Holy Spirit is at work in mentees through the gospel. There are certainly times to directly confront and guide with the law; there are certainly times to comfort and empower with the gospel; there are certainly times to give mentees a nudge. But he refrains from offering too much advice because he believes mentees take greater ownership of their plans when they come up with them mostly on their own.
Good mentors know this, but they are still tempted to offer advice too quickly and too often. Sometimes, they unconsciously implant advice and propose solutions in the form of a question. These questions usually seek agreement from the mentee: “Would you…? Could you…? Shouldn’t you…? What if you…? Don’t you think…?”[2] Avoid leading with questions to steer mentees in a direction you think they ought to go. Instead of trying to solve their issues, be curious about their own solutions. Instead of sharing your insights and ideas, listen for their insights and ideas and ask about those.[3]
Good Question Summary
Ask Open Questions
Ask Probing Questions
Ask Reframing Questions
Avoid Solution Questions
Helping with Perspective
One important job of the mentor is to help mentees gain perspective and recognize spiritual truths in their lives, especially during this phase. This is extra difficult when mentees are caught in sinful patterns or living too close to situations to view them objectively. In those situations, the mentor may be tempted simply to give mentees perspective, either by confronting them with the law or by sharing his personal experience or insight. There is certainly a time and place for this. However, the mentor starts by listening well and asking good questions to help mentees gain perspective or recognize the truth for themselves through the Spirit’s work in their hearts. As mentors, we can always tell mentees, "You are sinning," but how much better it is when mentees say, "I realize now that I was wrong.” We can always tell mentees, "You have lost perspective. Let me tell you about a time when I also lost perspective." But how much better it is when mentees say, "Wait! I am thinking about this all wrong! I need to look at it in a new way."
Occasionally, however, no matter how well you listen and ask questions, mentees never gains perspective nor recognize the truth for themselves. Sometimes, this is the result of emotional or physical troubles; sometimes, it is the result of sin. In those cases, the mentee must confront and guide mentees more directly. But always start by listening well and asking good questions to help mentees gain perspective and recognize the truth for themselves.
Keep in mind that you will not mentor any mentee forever. Someday, she will need to do more reflection on her own. The more that you can train her now to learn this process, the better off she will be. This does not mean that once you train mentees to have better perspective in their lives, they will not need other Christians ever again. No matter how mature a Christian is, he will always need brothers and sisters to help him gain perspective or (re)discover the truth about sin and grace in his life.
[1] I do have a funny story here. Once, when I was taking a coaching course, there was a young lady who was quite artistic; she clearly had a unique way of seeing the world. In our small group, we were taking turns coaching each other. I was the observer; she was the coach; and the other group partner was the coachee. At one point, she tried to reframe the situation by asking the coachee, “What would this look like in the color purple?” He and I both stared at her dumbly. That was obviously an extreme way to reframe things, but think about questions that help mentees consider things in a new way, especially if hshe feels stuck during your discussion.
[2] One experienced mentor noted that the second word in most solution questions is “you.” It’s a helpful clue to spot and eliminate these kinds of questions.
[3] In some cultures, mentees may expect you to give some advice and direction at some time during the mentor session. You will seem unloving if you never suggest anything. At the same time, do everything you can through your questions to help the mentee draw his own conclusions and to make his own plans that he is responsible for.