Find Your Own Mentor
#16 in the Gospel-Centered Mentoring Series
In addition to your regular devotional time with God, it’s important to have your own mentor. Here’s a useful mantra for any Christian who seeks to mentor others: “Every Paul has his Timothy; and every Timothy, his Paul” (see 2 Timothy 1:1-14). If you are going to mentor others, your “Timothys,” it is wise for you to have your own mentor, your “Paul.”
Your Timothys are all the people in your life that you mentor formally and informally: your own children, a nephew or niece, a leader in training in your church, a student in your community. If you are mentoring all these people—a weighty responsibility—who is mentoring you? Sainted professor Daniel Deutchlander had a strong personality; he seemed like a colossus of a man in the classroom and the pulpit—and not just because he was tall. Some might assume that such a solid Christian leader could stand on his own; however, he always had a “confessor”, a brother with whom he met regularly to confess his sins and receive forgiveness—something similar to a gospel-centered mentor.
Besides this, a general leadership principle is: don’t expect your mentees (or church members or employees) to do what you are not willing to do. If you aren’t willing to be mentored or cannot make time to be mentored in some way, it is not really fair to expect mentees to do it.
More important, remember what we learned about spiritual deception before: because of our devious sinful natures, we often convict ourselves when we need to be comforted and comfort ourselves when we need to be convicted. Brothers and sisters can serve as the hands, ears, and voice of Christ in our lives by convicting us with the law, comforting us with the gospel, helping us fulfill our callings, and charging us up by reminding us of God’s promises.
This does not necessarily mean you must add another person to your influencer circle. It may be that you already have a mentor. You may not call him/her “mentor;” maybe you call him/her a “coach,” “pastor,” “confessor,” or “friend.” You may not have a formal arrangement with him/her. It doesn’t matter; the important thing is having someone who does for you what a gospel-centered mentor does.
What to Look for in Your Mentor
Whether you currently have a mentor or not, it is important to know what you are looking for in a mentor. First, choose someone who is gospel-centered, of course—someone whose words, attitudes, and personality are clearly governed by the gospel, not the law.[1] If this person never points you to the cross and resurrection of Christ or rarely encourages you with God’s promises but only convicts you or pushes you toward obedience, this is not the mentor for you. Choose someone who will let the gospel predominate your conversations together.
Second, choose a mentor who is willing to challenge you—no “yes man”, no one who only encourages and comforts you even when you are being a horrible, self-deluded fool. Many mentors get uncomfortable asking difficult questions after a few meetings with their mentees, while the mentees get uncomfortable answering the difficult questions. In these situations, mentor and mentee sometimes end up discussing everything except our own desperate need for God’s grace and the marvelous grace God has showered upon us through Jesus. Learning to rest in Christ more fully and reflect him more faithfully gets replaced with discussing coworkers, spouses, children, theology, culture, politics—you name it. Choose a mentor who serves you with law and gospel. There are plenty of venues for other discussions; time with your mentor is time for personal development. Choose a brother/sister who is committed to that with you.
Third, choose a mentor who is worth imitating. Why follow someone you wouldn’t want to emulate in significant ways? However, he/she should not be a person you idolize; sinful humans make bad deities. If you idolize your mentor, you will be tempted to say and do things merely to please him/her instead of saying and doing the right things for the right reasons.
Fourth, choose a mentor who is strong where you are weak so you are not tempted to justify your poor habits and attitudes. By nature, we love hanging out with people who weak where we are weak; it makes our sinful natures comfortable; but that's not really what we need in a mentor.
Fifth, choose a mentor who is available and willing to meet with you regularly—once or twice per month. There is an old saying that if you want something done, you need to ask a busy person to do it. While that may be true in some situations, keep in mind that overcommitted people usually make bad mentors for two reasons. First, their lives are often out of balance, making them poor models of wholehearted character. If taking you on as a mentee in this state, there is a good chance their motivation does not arise from the gospel. Second, they are most likely incapable of giving you the time and accountability needed to help you grow in wholehearted character. Busy mentors and mentees often try ad hoc mentoring—as needed, when needed. Unfortunately, “let’s just check in with each other once in a while” almost always turns into, “Wow! I haven’t talked to my mentor in 4 months!” Choose a mentor who has the bandwidth to add you into his/her schedule.
Look for a mentor who is…
Gospel-centered
Willing to challenge you
Worth imitating
Strong where you are weak
Available and willing to meet regularly with you
Once you’ve discovered someone who has these qualities, meet with him/her and “make the ask.” Clearly communicate your expectations with him/her, using the traits listed above as a template. Tell him/her exactly what you are looking for, rather than generalizing. For example, “Would you meet with me twice per month for one hour to challenge me where I am weak and encourage me with the gospel?” is much better than, “I am just looking for a little personal encouragement once in a while.” Unclear expectations often lead to disappointment with mentoring.
Make the mentor “ask”:
Clearly communicate expectations.
Share exactly what you are looking for.
The rest of this book shows you clearly what you should expect from a mentor as the following chapters prepare you to mentor others. For now, just get your mentoring relationship set up, renewed, or refocused. Ask your mentor to do the following with you when you meet:
Share a brief word of encouragement from the Bible.
Invite you to confess any sin in your life that you want/need to confess.
Reassure you of God’ forgiveness.
Help you make, revise, or renew a simple plan for regular devotional time with God, individually and with a group.
Hold you accountable to the plan you make by asking you about it at every meeting.
Pray with and for you.
This mentor arrangement doesn’t need to be formal, but it does need to be intentional. If a mentor is doing his/her job correctly, you will not always be extra eager to meet with him/her. Remember, we often convict ourselves when we need to be comforted and comfort ourselves when we need to be convicted. Our sinful natures would rather avoid the voice of truth. It’s like scheduling your yearly medical check-up. You won’t ever feel like being poked and prodded for three hours. So, you must be intentional about it. That means scheduling a regular time to meet with your mentor (maybe even weekly or every other week) or scheduling the next meeting before leaving the current meeting with him/her.
What If I Can’t Find a Mentor?
Maybe, after reading the previous section, you immediately began looking for a mentor but no one seems qualified or available right now. What should you do?
First, release any feelings of guilt or shame about this matter. Mentoring is not something commanded by God. If you can’t find a mentor right now, maybe this is just not the right time.
Second, pray regularly that God would introduce the right person at the right time to mentor you.
Third, widen your search to include people you have not previously considered. As mentioned above, a mentor is not always someone you would initially choose; he/she may be strong where you are weak, someone you might naturally overlook when first seeking a mentor.
There is also another way to approach this issue: consider a peer coach. As mentioned previously, a gospel-centered mentor is often an older and/or more-experienced Christian. A peer coach is usually someone who is in a similar life stage or shares several life-vocations with you. While a peer coach may not have a more experience than you, he/she can fill a role like a mentor. He/she can:
Share a brief word of encouragement from the Bible.
Invite you to confess sin and reassure you of God’ forgiveness.
Help you make, revise, or renew a simple plan for regular time with God.
Hold you accountable to the plan you make.
Pray for you.
As a peer coach to this person, you will also do the same for him/her as you meet every week or every other week.
As you look for a peer coach, ensure that, like a mentor, this person is gospel-centered, willing to challenge you, worth imitating, strong where you are weak (when possible), and available and willing to meet regularly.
Finally, some people feel awkward asking a brother/sister to mentor them. Perhaps the mentoring relationship feels too one-sided, or they are afraid to impose on someone who is already busy. However, as Christians get older, they often have the desire to pour into others, to pass along to others some of the life lessons they have learned (often the hard way). They are often eager for someone to ask them for help. So, don’t be afraid to ask.
Activity: Prepare Yourself for Gospel-Centered Mentoring
It’s your turn to prepare yourself for gospel-centered mentoring by becoming a gospel-centered model and finding your own mentor.
Step One: Become a Gospel-Centered Model
Evaluate the nature and quality of your regular devotional time with God in meditation and prayer individually and together with your brothers and sisters, using the following questions:
What has gone well so far in my regular devotional time with God?
What needs improvement in my regular devotional time with God?
What will I do differently in my regular devotional time with God going forward?
Step Two: Find Your Own Mentor
After reviewing the “traits to look for in a mentor” (listed above), write out the names of two or three people who have those traits. If you already have a formal or informal mentor, write out his/her name and areas where you might need to articulate your needs to him/her.
Then, “make the ask” this week: ask one of the people you listed to mentor you and explain everything to them; or, if you already have a mentor, share with him/her how you would like him/her to adjust/enhance his/her mentoring relationship with you.
[1] This is generally only possible for someone who regularly immerses him/herself in God’s Word, not just professionally, but personally.
Next: Nurture a Meaningful Relationship with the Mentee