Listen Well by Listening Carefully
#33 in the Gospel-Centered Mentoring Training Series
See the previous article for part 1 of Listening Well.
Now, as you begin to listen well, you might want to know, “What exactly am I listening for as the mentee shares?”
The Mentee’s Own Discernment or Insights
Remember that the Holy Spirit has been working in mentees’ lives through Word and sacrament for a long time already. They will naturally have many insights about resting in Christ and reflecting Him in their own lives. But always remember that mentees have an Old Adam/Eve who wants to distract and deceive them when it comes to growing into wholehearted followers of Christ. Keep these two conflicting aspects of every mentee in mind as you listen, the Spirit-led nature and the sinful nature.
Turning Points or Key Actions and Events
Look for any major shifts in her life or situation as she shares her thoughts. For example, “I haven’t really been able to pray for the last two months.” What happened two months ago that may have affected her prayer life?
Remember to be curious. You might even ask her to reflect on her life two months ago. What was going on in that might have caused this turning point? This can help you get to the issue behind the issue. Please note that asking mentees to reflect on the past is not turning you into a counselor; but turning points and key events in mentees’ lives can help inform the goals they set and the action steps they take.
Strong Emotions or Reactions
Sometimes, mentees will surprise you with the intensity of their emotions. “I despise her.” “I hate my life!” “I’m going to quit!” Rather than responding, “you shouldn’t be so angry” or “don’t cry” or “calm down,” be curious about why they are having such a strong reaction. Asking them good questions to draw their thoughts and emotions out (we will look at questions more fully below).
Red Flags
These are statements, expressions, or emotions that don’t seem to fit or don’t sit right with the mentees or with you. Something seems “off.” “I don’t really care about my grades” or “my relationship with my mother doesn’t really matter” or “My time with God isn’t that important; I study the Bible in other ways.”[1] One mentor addresses red flags with a question that feels a bit confrontational but is also very useful: “Did you hear yourself say x? What do you think about that?”
Patterns
As you mentor, you will start to notice patterns in their actions and thinking. For example, you might notice that every time you meet, one mentee says something along the lines of, “I blew it again this week! I always mess up!” This may be a pattern that needs to be addressed with law and gospel. Look for repeated words/concepts and note them. You might even note them audibly when appropriate, "You have used that word 3 times already. Tell me more about that." Or, "What made you choose that word?"
[1] I remember one time when I asked a Christian sister how she was doing. She immediately responded “great!!!” with a big smile even while I could see tears welling up in her eyes. I asked her, “Is everything okay?” she said, “Yes,” and then left in a hurry. That is a red flag. Her audible and physical responses did not match her emotions at all.