Nurture a Meaningful Relationship with the Mentee

#17 in the Gospel-Centered Mentoring Series

Nurture a meaningful relationship with mentees by making them a priority and spending informal time with them.

Let’s return to Kung Fu Panda. Master Shifu’s initial methods of training Po to become the Dragon Warrior fail miserably.  After decades training some of the greatest warriors in history, Master Shifu is convinced that Po is just a lazy student, incapable of learning.  But the real problem is this:  Because Po is a non-traditional mentee, traditional training will not connect with him.  Po needs mentoring that fits his nature and his needs.  For example, Po’s greatest motivation is food, not defeating bad guys or getting in shape.  He will do anything for a jar of almond cookies or a bowl of dumplings.  To know what motivates Po, Master Shifu must know and care for Po.  Since Po is unique, he must be mentored in a unique way.  Master Shifu must nurture a meaningful relationship with Po first.

 To know what mentees need, you must truly know and care for them, as the famous African American poet, Maya Angelou said, “In order to be a mentor, and an effective one, one must care. You must care. You don’t have to know how many square miles are in Idaho, you don’t need to know what is the chemical makeup…of blood or water…care about what you know and care about the person you’re sharing with.”  Since every mentee is unique, he/she must be mentored in a unique way.  This means you must nurture a meaningful relationship with mentees by making them a priority and spending informal time with them. 

How to Nurture a Meaningful Relationship with the Mentee:

1. Make the Mentee a Priority

2. Spend Informal Time with the Mentee

Make the Mentee a Priority

Many church leaders are tempted to “mass produce” leaders and disciples because they are hoping for quick, noticeable results.  They adopt “one size fits all” approaches that make it easier and more efficient to train large numbers of people; but they don’t spend enough “face time” with individuals in real life, living and serving together.  They focus on programs instead of people.  Bible classes and seminars are wonderful tools for teaching solid, biblical principles and discussing application, but they cannot replace law and gospel ministry in the context of relationships, the training style that is modeled in the Bible (e.g., Luke 5:1-11; 9:57-62; 10:1-21; 11:1-4; Acts 16:1-5).  Additionally, since all people are uniquely designed by God (Psalm 139:13-16), mentoring them should be tailored to fit their nature and needs.  Mentoring requires giving mentees personal, prioritized attention. 

Let’s consider this in the life and ministry of Jesus from Mark 3:13-15:  “Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him.  He appointed twelve that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach and to have authority to drive out demons.”  Even though Jesus often taught and healed large crowds, he chose 12 disciples to BE WITH him. What does it mean to BE WITH him?  These were men who would walk everywhere with him, eat together with him, and sleep beside him, so he could personally prepare them to carry on the gospel ministry after his departure.  He offered them HIMSELF, not merely classes and seminars.  And he tailored his teaching and mentoring specifically to them.  It might have been easier for him to enroll them along with hundreds of other people in a seminary program.  Jesus could have trained more people that way, but then he would not have been able to give them personal, prioritized attention.  That does not imply that classes and seminars and programs are bad; but mentors must focus on nurturing a meaningful relationship with mentees.

Have you ever noticed that Jesus’ relational investment in people always increased as the group got smaller?

• He preached to thousands, but then sent them away when he was finished.  Sometimes he even waited to explain the details of his parables to his core group after the crowd had departed (Matthew 14:22,23; Mark 4:1-20).

• He sent out 72 disciples with basic training to preach the gospel and heal the sick; after their short “mission trip,” he debriefed the experience with them.  However, we never hear about the 72 again (Luke 10:1-24).  

• He lived with and daily mentored 12 disciples whom he called “apostles.”  Sometimes, he would even leave the needy crowds just to spend extra, focused time with the apostles (e.g. Mark 6:30,31; 9:30,31).

• He reserved his most personal training and experiences for three men:  Peter, James, and John (Matthew 17:1-13; Luke 8:51-56). 

Jesus loved the crowd, each and every person.  The Bible says he felt deep compassion for the crowd, so he taught them and healed them (Mark 6:34).  But he spent more time with the 72 followers, training them to share the gospel with that crowd in more places than he could physically go himself.  However, he spent far more time with the 12 apostles, living with them and mentoring them daily to prepare them to take the gospel to the whole world (not only to the “lost sheep of Israel”).  Finally, he shared his most personal training and experiences with three men who were not only disciples but also appear to be his close, personal friends.  In other words, the closer the proximity to Jesus, the smaller the number got and the more personal, prioritized attention they received from him. 

It seems a little unfair, doesn’t it?  Did he just like the 12 better than everyone else?[1]  Did he consider them the best students?  Not really.  In fact, Jesus sometimes marveled at the amazing faith of individuals in the crowd while he rebuked his disciples for being “dull” and “hard-hearted” (Matthew 15:16; Mark 6:52; 8:17,18).  Didn’t Jesus know that giving special attention to twelve men could cause jealousy and divisions?  Absolutely!  Even the twelve disciples fought about which of them was the greatest.  (Mark 9:34; Luke 9:46; 22:24). 

So, why did he adopt this method of training leaders and give most of his attention to these twelve ordinary men who often seemed to give him more trouble than they were worth?  Because Jesus was training these twelve men to carry his ministry to the ends of the earth after his departure. 

Church leaders sometimes fixate on numbers.  How many can we reach?  By what date?  With how much money?  While these are important questions in the proper context, notice that Jesus focused on individuals—raising up a handful godly men and women who would be able to reach the world.  This seems to be the reason why Jesus never planted a church or baptized and why he considered his earthly ministry a success even though his followers only numbered 120 by the time of his ascension (Acts 1:15).  His job was to win salvation for the world and then impress that good news so deeply on the hearts of 120 men and women that it would spread through them across the world like a wildfire.

If this was Jesus’ method of mentoring; if Jesus gave a few mentees his personalized, prioritized attention; it’s obviously a good model to follow.[2]  But if you are going to give mentees personal, prioritized attention, then your calendar needs to reflect it.  What needs to be removed from your schedule or moved around so you can give mentees this kind of attention?

Next: Spend Informal Time with the Mentee

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[1] …and the 3 better than the 12?

[2] If you are a gospel ministry leader, I encourage you to consider what kind of time you spend mentoring one or two Christians as much as you consider how many people the church is reaching through the public Worship Gathering and Bible classes.

If you think you can care for all the brothers and sisters around you equally well and give them all personal, prioritized attention, you may need to ask yourself if you think that you are a better leader than Jesus.  Some leaders wear themselves out, neglecting their personal health and/or their own family members, to try to achieve a level of ministry to the whole family of Christ that even Jesus was unwilling to pursue. 

Our job as leaders is to multiply ministry so that Christ’s mission reaches far more people than we could ever reach on our own.  That’s why it is so important to give our mentees personal, prioritized attention.  Because we are limited human beings as Jesus was in his time of humility here on this earth, we cannot give focused attention to dozens of people but only a handful.  We train them with the hope that they may be able to help us disciple and train others by the power of the Holy Spirit.