Simplify Your Questions!
Gospel-Centered Mentoring
All organizations and movements adopt “insider language” throughout their lifespan. It’s part of human nature to create shortcuts for the sake of proficiency and/or the comfortable feeling that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. Modern coaching and mentoring have that tendency as well. Several phrases have become part of the lingo that is accepted by most coaches, at least in America: “AWE – And what else?” “Unpack that for me.” “What does that look like for you?” “What would that do for you?”
These familiar questions are not wrong or useless. In fact, most American clients/mentees (and other English-speaking Westerners, perhaps) would understand exactly what you are asking them with these simple words. But I have discovered that some of these questions can fall flat with mentees from other cultures. For example, whether I said “What does that look like for you?” in English or in Chinese, Chinese mentees would stare blankly at me; and once they realized I wasn’t offering anything further, they would respond, “I don’t understand the question.” I had to rephrase it; sometimes more than once. In the end, I needed to throw the visual nature of the question (“see”) out completely and go with something simple. It’s not that these mentees are dull (these are often masters-level or PhD-level graduates) or that I am inherently a poor communicator (I don’t think); they just don’t speak or think this way in their language and culture.
After many years of coaching people for whom English is a 2nd language, it's given me a few thoughts about these comfortable coaching questions. First of all, if you are coaching/mentoring in situations where either you or the mentee are using a second or third language, it’s important to choose your words carefully. Favor the simplest vocabulary, the shortest questions, and the fewest clauses. Remove all shorthand and idioms (unless they are native to the speaker – and probably not even then).
Second, even if you are coaching/mentoring in situations where you both speak the same language and largely share the same culture, still strive for simple vocabulary, brief questions, and few clauses, while removing shorthand and idioms (unless they are really familiar for everyone). One coaching author I read recently proposed the following as an example of a good coaching question: “What does that bring up for you?” To be honest, when I hear “bring it up,” I picture my dog chucking up the crab grass he shouldn’t have been devouring. I am not even exactly sure what the coach is asking his client; I assume she means, “How does that make you feel?” or “What is your response to that?” But it’s just not clear. Simplifying your questions, even when coaching/mentoring someone with whom you have a natural linguistic and cultural connection, will help you avoid confusion and get to the heart of her issues more quickly/directly.
Dr. Matthew Doebler, God’s Somebody, serves as professor at Asia Lutheran Seminary and missionary for the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod. He is passionate about four M’s: mentoring, missiology, multiplication, and ministry of the gospel. As a mentor with over 10 years of experience and a coaching certification from NACC, he is committed to equipping others to develop into wholehearted followers of Christ who rest in Him fully and reflect Him faithfully. He is the author of “God Loves Nobodies: Good News for Somebody Like Me”, the forthcoming “Gospel-Centered Mentoring,” and an introduction to Gospel-Centered Mentoring course on Udemy. He also co-hosts the missiology podcast, “Jesus and Jetlag” (available on Spotify and Apple) He is blessed to be the friend, lover, and coworker of Christine, father to five (two by marriage), and grandfather of 2 beautiful little ones.
If you confuse, you lose.